Featured Story

First of all, bear with me as I am not an English professor nor a writer, but I will do my best to articulate our story. I’m deeply humbled to be asked to share this especially since I know many have walked through more difficult trials. As I write and recall all the little details of our story, I’m overwhelmed at the goodness of the Lord. I’m so thankful His ways are higher than ours and He does all things for our good and for His glory. My prayer as you read is that you too will praise Him for His goodness and we would magnify the Lord together.

At the time of this trial, Ryan and I had three beautiful children and we were at the point where we were desiring to add one more child to our family. Our first three pregnancies happened quickly. So quickly in fact, it was as though we had only thought about the notion and I became pregnant. This time around was different. It was taking much longer. Month after month was becoming a disappointment and one by one it seemed like every friend was getting pregnant. Everyone but me.

Taking pregnancy tests month after month was beginning to take a toll on my heart, but what I didn’t know at the time of the waiting and trying was that the Lord was preparing me. He was preparing me in very specific and beautiful ways for something bigger. Something harder.  The preparation He was doing in my heart was one of the many themes that I am thankful for as I look back at this time of waiting and trying. It has shown me His perfect, sovereign, loving care over our family’s life. His grace is sufficient, given to us at the exact moment that it is needed. Not one moment too early nor one moment too late.

As God was preparing me in those 2 years of waiting and trying, my flesh was weak and my heart would wonder. I could not trust myself. I remember praying often for the Lord to guard my heart against the sinful thoughts of jealousy or bitterness towards those who became pregnant. I wanted to be able to truly rejoice with them and the Lord allowed me to do so most days, but there were days it wasn’t easy. It stings to admit that because I am aware of how intensely selfish it is, especially all while these sweet friends were praying for me. I had to fight my flesh and take my thoughts captive. Some days it was like a silent war raging within my head, fighting to think on what I knew was true about the Lord. The battle felt exhausting. I was being stretched to persevere in my trust of God’s plan and timing. I wasn’t sure what the Lord was teaching me, but I’m thankful for this time of waiting, praying, and pleading with God for the desires of my heart because He used it to draw me to Him, preparing my heart even more for the greater trial that was to come.

Looking back I can see that there was so much purpose in the waiting. God used those two years to nurture my heart with very specific scripture. It was no coincidence that our family’s bible study was going through James 1, that my women’s bible study at church was studying James 1, and our fellowship group pastor was preaching through James 1. 

“2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  (James 1:2, NASB)

At one point I thought to myself, “Okay Lord, I must need to know this for a reason! What is it?! Please help me remember these truths!” I kept pondering what it meant to walk through trials with joy. I desperately needed to learn this, but it was something I wouldn’t grasp until later that year. It was in those prayers that, once again, the Lord was preparing me.

For 2 years I took pregnancy tests month after month in anticipation of seeing the positive. It wasn’t until September of 2020, I first saw those two long-awaited lines. Every emotion seemed to cram into one thought, “Thank you, Lord.”  I sat there with tears and praised God for His answer to the prayers we prayed for so long. Shaking with nerves and excitement, I immediately got in the car and drove to Ryan’s office. I couldn’t possibly wait another minute to tell him.

The next couple days we lived on cloud nine, hardly believing this could be true. Reality quickly hit as our insurance had changed and we thought we were no longer able to use my previous OBGYN. But God. God had given me a dear friend that found a loophole, knew exactly who to call, what to say, and how to negotiate. After about a week of phone calls with insurance I was able to switch back to my original OBGYN – a trusted, wise, and experienced doctor. So, I made an appointment as soon as I could. I was so thankful, but my thankfulness for the Lord’s provision through him would only grow because of how the Lord used him specifically as a blessing during this time.

I was 7 weeks and off to my first appointment. We were homeschooling at the time, so Ryan stayed home with the big kids as I drove the 45 minutes to my appointment. When I got there, they checked me in, did all the procedures and then sat me in the ultrasound room to wait for the doctor. I was so excited, my hands were clammy, and my heart was racing. The moment I had waited so long for had finally come. I heard two little knocks and in came the doctor with his warm greeting and got right to typing and getting the ultrasound machine and my stomach set up.

As soon as he started I could immediately see the baby and the heartbeat. He continued moving around the image without saying a word. I couldn’t quite gather what he was thinking and then there it was. Another baby. “Do you see what I see?” He said. I paused. “Is that two??” I replied in utter disbelief. “Yep, congratulations! It’s twins!” I was stunned. Speechless. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The doctor proceeded to finish up the ultrasound and fill me in on all this pregnancy could entail. I was considered high risk due to being 35 and from what he could tell early on was that these babies shared a placenta, posing an even higher risk. He asked to see me weekly.

I left the appointment breathless. How merciful of the Lord! To give us two? After all the waiting? Weak in the knees I got in the car and made my way home thanking the Lord for His abundant kindness and for giving us more than we asked. I was blissfully unaware of all my surroundings the whole drive home and dreaming of life with TWINS!

Ryan was excited, the kids were ecstatic, our closest friends and family shared such great joy. My heart felt so full of thankfulness. I dreamt every night of life with twins being added to our family. I spent my extra time on Pinterest looking for all the greatest tips and tricks for twins, swooning over all the baby things, and looking to my friends for wisdom on raising two new little ones. The highlight of each week was my appointment. I got to see the babies on the ultrasound nearly every week. I think back on these moments and so much of the Lord’s kindness was displayed to me. I’m so grateful for those sacred moments of seeing those babies squirming within me and hearing their heartbeats on a weekly basis. At my 12 week appointment, my daughter candidly picked up my phone and videoed the ultrasound capturing baby “A” wiggling around. That video is one of my greatest treasures and reminders of God’s goodness.

It wasn’t until the 13 week appointment I had with a perinatologist that some red flags were raised about our babies. As we talked  through the ultrasound he noticed that baby boy “B” was smaller than baby boy “A”. There was a high risk of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, which essentially means there is an unequal exchange of blood that causes unequal growth in each twin and can lead to more dangerous issues. He also discovered what he called “notching” in the umbilical cord, a case when the blood flow to and from the placenta is restricted. Nothing seemed to be in a serious condition, the perinatologist put me on a dose of baby aspirin to keep the blood flowing and then I was told we would keep monitoring the situation as the weeks go on.

I left this appointment feeling discouraged and anxious. Immediately I called my dear friend who had twins experience TTC and she was able to put my mind at ease. But I still had a week to wait until the OBGYN followed up. The Lord was so kind and kept my mind at ease as I waited once again. Waiting patiently on the Lord, the lesson He was preparing and teaching me over the previous 2 years.

It was December 18, our Christmas cards were all ordered, stuffed, stamped, and put in the trunk ready to be mailed. Ryan and I were so excited to share our news with all our friends and family. My appointment was that morning and I couldn’t wait to get another ultrasound picture of the babies to send along in a text. After being in prayer that morning my mind was at complete peace as I drove to my appointment. In the waiting room, I got a text from Ryan, saying he was praying for me and our babies as he usually does. This time he sent along some scripture. As I kept reading, the verses below stuck out to me in Psalm 39.

”LORD, make me to know my end and what is the extent of my days; Let me know how transient I am. Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight; Surely every man at his best is a mere breath.”

And later in verse 7 it says, “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” I glanced at the footnotes and it led me to Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”

I so vividly remember sitting there praying, not necessarily thinking about the twins in particular, but I prayed “Lord, please help me understand this.” There was hesitancy in this prayer as I knew this lesson often comes with pain. But in His kindness and grace, the Lord answered this prayer not 10 minutes later as I was in the ultrasound room. He answered not in the way that I had hoped, but He so mercifully prepared my heart with scripture for what I was about to hear, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat in baby ‘B’.” My mind was numb, I couldn’t process anything else as the doctor finished checking on baby “A”. He apologized over and over trying to comfort me with the fact that we would still be able to continue the pregnancy as normal with our living baby. How was I going to be joyful and grieve the loss of this baby at the same time? I called Ryan immediately crying saying “STOP, do not send off the Christmas cards!!” I couldn’t bear the thought of having to tell over 200 people that the twins we just announced were no longer twins. Looking back, this was the kindness of the Lord in this small thing, not allowing our cards to go to the post office, which were going to be sent that very day.

A few days later I went back for a follow up appointment, it was the Monday before Christmas, and we lost our other precious boy. There was an ache I could never begin to explain. That drive home from the appointment was much different than the first. My eyes were clouded with tears, not tears of joy, tears of heartache and pain. I thought God was going to give us our hearts desires. Through the pain I wanted to understand, but I couldn’t.

My doctor said to come back the next day for a D and C. I came back the next day and did all the paperwork to prepare but then tested positive for Covid. Not feeling any symptoms other than a cold, I had no idea. This was the year 2020, so life in the hospital was a bit chaotic. They told me I had to wait a week and come back. I was so upset. More waiting! I was done waiting! Nothing was happening how I thought it would!

The week was painful, I felt disgusting carrying two dead babies inside of me. I wanted it to be over. We had to “untell” our friends and family. It was the week of Christmas and this was the deepest ache I had ever felt in my life. I was longing to be comforted by family and friends but prohibited because of Covid. Plans were canceled, hugs were refused, meals dropped at the door. I understood, but it was still painful and lonely. In reminiscing on those next few days, I praise God that His ways are higher than our ways; that He works for our good and for His Glory. It was during those days the Bible came to life for me. The Lord was showing me what it meant to be truly satisfied in Him. The Psalms were a balm to my soul, especially Psalm 90. I clung to them as if they were the only thing keeping me alive.

The week had passed and because the hospital was still full of Covid patients, my doctor recommended that I deliver the babies in the Labor and Delivery room instead of getting a D and C. This decision was life changing. Once again, looking back I see the Lord’s amazing love for me. He was so merciful in allowing me to carry these two precious boys for 14 weeks. He saw fit to entrust me to care for them in my body. He was so kind in allowing me to deliver them peacefully so Ryan and I could hold their perfectly made bodies in our hands. To see the intricacies and details of their fingers and toes. Such a cherished sight and moment we will never forget. God was so gracious in giving us a doctor who believed in the sanctity of life, who regarded this situation in the highest manner. Ryan and I cried and prayed as we watched the nurses weigh their little bodies, wrap them up, and take them out of the room.

I would have never planned for this to happen, but I would never change it. What He has taught me about His character and His glory is more precious to me than having our Rocky and Johnny on this earth. In my darkest moments He was there. My fellowship with the Lord was so deep, so precious, so intimate, it was as though heaven was within reach. I saw that God is equally as loving in the giving as He is in the taking and I can praise Him just as much in the grief as in the blessings. I came to realize deeper the pain, the sweeter the rest was in Jesus. It was there, during that fellowship with the Lord that “consider it all joy” finally made sense. Charles Spurgeon said of this deep joy, “Oh yes, communion with the Lord is no mere talk with some of us. We have known it in the chamber of affliction; we have known it in the solitude of many a night of broken rest; we have known it beneath discouragements and under sorrows and defamations, and all sorts of ills; and we reckon that one dram of fellowship with Christ is enough to sweeten an ocean full of tribulation, and that only to know that he is near us, and to see the gleaming of his dear eye, would transform even hell itself into heaven, if it were possible for us to enjoy his presence there… This is “the joy of the Lord,” fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ.”

I distinctly remember asking the Lord not to take me out of this trial because I knew my flesh was weak and my heart would easily wander. Over the last couple years as the hard days come, His power has been so satisfying and so sustaining that it overwhelms me to tears. I’ve felt the prayers of His saints physically carry me through the darkest moments. God’s comfort was and is truly abundant, it extended far beyond any of my sufferings. It continues to be never ending. (2 Cor. 1:3-5) He’s given me far more than I deserve. Never before have I seen such a sweet example of how God intended the church to be through my dear and precious friends who loved, served, and encouraged us. They sent flowers, provided meals, sent meaningful gifts and constantly lifted us in prayer. He’s also given me the gift of understanding better what others go through and how I can better serve and comfort them. He’s given me a deeper passion for the sanctity of life and how precious it is even in the earliest of weeks. Most of all He has forgiven me, a wretched sinner, and through that forgiveness He has mercifully allowed me to come boldly before His Holy throne to ask Him to carry my burdens. God has been in every tiny detail. Details I couldn’t even see until years later. There’s so much goodness, graciousness and love shown by the Lord I wish I had the time or the ability to articulate it. I’m so thankful God put us in a position where there was nowhere to turn but back to Him.

One year later, we became pregnant again. God has given us another precious life in our son, Haddon. Haddon has been redeeming in so many ways. With him came the greater, sweeter joy we hoped for during our pain.

Yes, there are still sad days when I think about Rocky and Johnny, even years later. God is faithful to gently remind me that no good thing does He withhold from those who love Him (Psalm 84:11). I know God will use this to shape me into His image, that I would join Him in suffering, and to point others into the same abounding joy. Early on, I was encouraged to write down all that gave me comfort during that year. I saved all the thoughtful text messages, prayers, blog posts, and specific scriptures that lifted my soul. This trial is something God had given me as a sacred gift that needed to be stewarded faithfully. It is my greatest prayer that I can be an encouragement to others who walk down a similar path. Hopefully, through our grief and joy, we are lead to a praise that is lifted higher in worship for He is Worthy of it all.

“I bear my witness that the worst days I have ever had have turned out to be my best days. And when God has seemed most cruel to me he has then been most kind. If there is anything in this world for which I would bless him more than for anything else it is for pain and affliction. I am sure that in these things the richest tenderest love has been manifested to me. Our Father’s wagons rumble most heavily when they are bringing us the richest freight of the bullion of his grace. Love letters from heaven are often sent in black-edged envelopes. The cloud that is black with horror is big with mercy. Fear not the storm. It brings healing in its wings and when Jesus is with you in the vessel the tempest only hastens the ship to its desired haven.” – Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Songs

I listened to Shane and Shane on repeat, but these were specifically healing to my soul:

• Psalm 90 – Shane and Shane
• Only a Holy God – Shane and Shane
• Ancient of Days – Shane and Shane
• I Will Wait for You -Shane and Shane
• He is Worthy – Shane and Shane
• My Portion – Shane and Shane
• Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus – Shane and Shane

Scriptures:

• Psalm 90
• Psalm 55:22
• Psalm 73: 23-28
• Psalm 84:11,12
• Psalm 16: 1-2, 5, 7-9, 11
• Joshua 23:14
• 1 Peter 5:6
• Psalm 94:18
• Psalm 18:1

Helpful things people did to minister to us:

Many listened to us, cried with us, hugged us.

Texts and calls were so encouraging, just knowing that people were praying and thinking of us.

Bringing meals was a blessing. Especially those that didn’t just offer but made it “mandatory”. Instead of saying “Can I bring you a meal sometime next week?” they would say “I’m bringing you a meal, does Monday or Tuesday work better for you?” One friend even sent a meal to our doorstep without telling us even months later with a note saying “thinking of you”.

The most meaningful gift was one a friend  gave me. A bracelet that read “safe in the arms of Jesus”.

Some continued to ask how I was doing weeks and months later.

Those that mentioned our boys’ names in conversation truly warmed my heart.

What you should NOT say to someone in a similar circumstance:

This was hard to answer because I know people mean well and each person has their own way of coping, so I wanted to be understanding and always check my own heart to make sure I was grieving in a God-honoring way. I do confess there were times I failed and needed to hear the blatant truth even if it hurt or wasn’t what I desired to hear.

For me it was a bit of a struggle when, moments after I poured out my heart, others would tell me their problems. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hear what they were going through, it just felt like it minimized my pain and didn’t seem like they were truly listening. There could have been a more appropriate time.

During our season of waiting and trying to get pregnant, I shared the weaknesses of heart struggles and desired encouragement… instead I got “you just need to learn contentment with the three kids you have.”

After we lost our first baby some would say “At least you still have the other baby.”

The Hope Jesus Has Given us through our Trial

Is anyone worthy?
Is anyone whole?
Is anyone able to break the seal and open the scroll?

The Lion of Judah who conquered the grave
He is David’s root and the Lamb who died to ransom the slave
From every people and tribe
Every nation and tongue
He has made us a kingdom and priests to God
To reign with the Son

Is He worthy? Is He worthy?
Of all blessing and honor and glory
Is He worthy? Is He worthy?
Is He worthy of this?
He is!

Ryan and I stood side by side in church singing the above lyrics by Andrew Peterson and Ben Shive. He leaned over with tears in his eyes and said, “We will get to sing this alongside Rocky and Johnny someday!!” We both could barely control ourselves from sobbing at that glorious thought. When trials hit, the hope of salvation through Jesus Christ is the ultimate comfort.

When it comes to the trial of losing unborn children, the hope of our salvation, the salvation of the unborn, and the uniting that will one day happen in Heaven is a thrilling and peace producing reality. We looked to King David in 2 Samuel 12. When his child with Bathsheba was sick, he fasted and prayed relentlessly, even to the concern of those around him. But once the child died, as the Lord promised he would because of David’s sin, David arose and worshiped. His servants didn’t understand why he was unconsolable while the baby was alive, but then immediately worshiped after the baby passed away, so they asked him about it.  This was David’s response in verse 22 and 23 , “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘who knows, Yahweh may be gracious to me, that the child may live.’ But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I WILL GO TO HIM, but he will not return to me.” David was confident that he would meet his son again.

The promise of heaven through salvation in Jesus Christ is the best hope I know. It decreases the importance of this life and fixes our eyes on the life to come. Of course there are so many hope-filled promises in God’s Word, but salvation for the sinner is the crux of our faith and hope. When life brings trials and hard situations, it is always the salvation we have in Christ that is our hope, and the myriads of blessings and promises that flow from that salvation are immense. Those truths allow our confidence in God’s sovereign plan for us and our family to remain unwavering.